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TheSilhouett3

Forever learning :)
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I’m back for my third year at university - this time living off campus and away from the city centre (half an hour - 45 mins by bus). Very scenic, very quiet and secluded. Lovely, but in the middle of nowhere. I enjoy the commute as I share it with a book. Currently re-reading ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ so that I can read ‘The Testaments’ straight after. I start lectures at 9am and finish at 5:30, and within this is a continuous 4 hour block of lectures. So it can be imagined that by the time I get home (almost 7pm) I’m tired to say the least. I try and maintain the distance between myself and family but it isn’t always possible. As I type, my Narc mother is on the phone - 3 minutes spent asking me about my day and getting a response, and 35 minutes ranting about her Boss - who ironically is the same as her! 
Am I bad person if I say I almost want to laugh at the irony?! Her boss gaslights her, talks down to her and doesn’t appreciate anything she does. Karma? Perhaps!
Does my mother not realise that I have only replied with “mm” for the past half an hour, or does it not matter?
I have a list of emails to compose and send, as well as an unopened smoothie in my leather backpack - which I saved as a treat for tonight. I think I deserve it because I socialised a lot today.  It has been 45 minutes now. It’s 9:15pm, and I aim to crawl into bed at 10pm. I’ve let out a well timed sigh - because I want to throw my phone against the wall, and at the same time my mother tells me that my dad ate her lunch from the fridge. You might be wondering why on earth I am on the phone with such a person in the first place, well, no contact is not an option for me because I go home every summer and if I get disowned - I’d be homeless. Nope, no other family members to stay with. 
At this point I’ve stopped replying and she hasn’t even noticed.  Apart from this, it was a good day.

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All my life I've felt as though I've observed others through a glass wall. I've always felt disconnected. I've never been able to socialise and have been frequently misunderstood (especially lately). I'm too blunt without knowing. Yes I was taught manners, so that isn't the point, the point is I sometimes can't tell whether I should tell the truth. 
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"Do I look my age?"
"I love you."
Just some of the worst statements/questions to reply to. Even if I loved someone and said it out loud it would come out as stiff and may even make me seem like I'm lying. Other people say it, and it sounds convincing but I say it and I sound like a robot. 
I don't know how much eye contact to make with people I'm talking to. I forget to brush my waist length hair when its a daily thing for most. I don't know how to respond to affection sometimes. I have an odd dress sense. I'll be so focused on something I won't eat the entire day, or even move from my seat - which is an issue because I practically live alone.  I say practically because to my flatmates I am invisible. I can't walk into the kitchen because sticky things give me anxiety (the kitchen is A MESS). The list goes on; fluorescent lighting, loud music, vibrations, busy places - they all make me want to have some kind of melt down.
As I get older, it gets more and more unbearable, like my mind picks up on too much and is trying to analyse it all at once so I'm always tired or on edge.  
I can never maintain friendships either, or any kind of relationship for that matter. It's not easy to change some of these things.

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So I've been away a while. Not as though anyone notices much, but I made a promise to myself to upload more this year and while I (sort of) have - it's still not that much. I recently came across some of my old poems and I was stunned by the difference in technique and wording of them compared to the pieces I currently write. While there is some 'improvement' to the depth of my themes...there's something missing, and I would say it's creativity. My poems are much shorter these days - and there's nothing wrong with that - except for the reason why they're so short. They're short because I ran out of 'stuff' to say, or more precisely, I ran out of words on 'how' to say it. I just can't conjure up the words as smoothly as I once did. You know that figure of speech; 'it's on the tip of my tongue', well, it most definitely is. What's the difference between then and now? University.
The pursuit of a degree in Pharmacy.
Ah, Pharmacy. 
I chose it because I love the idea of having many career options stemming from one degree. It's continuously changing, and I intend to evolve too. It's stable, and I need stability because I know I will be my only source of it. 
I do love science. So that is not the problem. 
The problem is rigidity. Everything is very much black and white. The lecturers don't like to admit that there are questions that scientists can't answer. Guess what? That methotrexate your grandparent takes for rheumatoid arthritis? The mechanism of action 'is not well known'. Upon questioning, 'not well known' meant 'unknown'. Now, this might not always be the case but in this instance I found it to be mind blowing. We don't know how it works, but it works, so lets just use it eh? But then someone uses St johns wort for its mood uplifting properties: 'oh, it must be a placebo because herbs don't work.' hm. Ironically, many of our drugs are derived from plants. So they must be helpful in some way. This rigidity is probably just an issue on my course though because I only realised it during a meeting last week whereby the senior teaching fellows (after begging students to turn up) essentially pitched a whole new degree course for future students, and then asked current students' opinion of it. To sum things up; the new course sounds a LOT better than what we're doing now.
Currently we are taught how to follow the law strictly. We don't use our critical thinking skills.
I was given this scenario:

A patient comes in with a prescription for a controlled drug that is being given to him for pain in palliative care. He explains he has a flight this afternoon for one last holiday with his family before he dies. You know this patient well and you know the prescriber well. But the prescription has a legal error on it. 
Do you dispense the item? 
I wanted to say YES. My justification would have been that I knew the prescriber so could have contacted them later. I knew there was no substance misuse because the patient regularly comes in with this same prescription and its in his drug history along with the indication. This patient doesn't have long to live so in the best interest of the patient, I would dispense the medication.
In a pharmacy dispensing exam? I would have failed the exercise. Why? because the prescription had a legal error on it.
Context is key! but they don't care about that. Thing is, pharmacists have to bend rules for the interest of the patient. 
I would have ruined this mans last holiday if I didn't give him pain medication. 
When I asked about what the 'correct' answer was, the teaching fellow said the same thing as me. Why are they churning us out to be so robotic then? Pharmacy is too complex for such rigid thinking.

So that's been playing on my mind. 
I have Monday to Friday lectures and after lectures I rest a bit before heading to the library at around 5pm, I come back at 10pm to pray, and sleep, then I do it all over again. 
I eat out almost daily because my flatmates make so much mess in the kitchen, I can't bear to be in it.
Everything lately has been making me grind my teeth. I'm always so wound up and tense, but I have been reading more and have even come up with a new story idea based on some daydreams. :3 
I just find it insanely difficult to balance the two sides of my brain. One of them has clearly taken over.
I cant tell if this degree is making me more or less intelligent o.O
My grades are good, but it's not about the grades. 

Oh, and also. Religion. Rigidity in religion...
While I cover my hair and dress modestly, pray daily, try and give to charity, etc,  I still listen to music. There are many examples but I'll stick to music. I had a debate with a more 'conservative' muslim woman my age. If you look at both of us the only difference you'd see (apart from skin colour) is the way we dress. She's in all black and maybe sometimes a coloured scarf. 
I think God gave us colour for a reason, so I make use of colour. That doesn't mean i'm not modest, it means I see things differently. 
Theres a 'rule' that says something like music is from the devil or that its not allowed. 
There's 2 ways to interpret it. 
1. fully banned no matter what it is. I have actually heard people fuss over ring tones *eye roll*
2. depends on context. Muslims believe that when music was first revealed it seduced people into dancing and eventually adultery. I get it. heat of the moment right? compare it to todays music about sex, money and treating people like commodities. The general idea of this opinion is, if it makes you wanna do bad things, it's bad. Or if it makes you addicted to it, it's bad. 
I like instrumental music. I am not addicted, it doesn't cause me to miss anything obligatory. So what's the issue? this opinion was valid for hundreds of years but now its no longer relevant.

Do people even know the reason behind some of our rules?  
The past 100 years of 'revamping' religion has actually caused people to become brain dead. No you cannot open a legal text and interpret it OUT OF CONTEXT.
and a language like classic Arabic? Hah. Without studying morphology? HAH.
She mentioned a speaker she listened to and I decided the debate was no longer worth wasting energy on. 

The third girl however, asked for another debate the next day XD
Obviously we're all on amicable terms, but it did open my mind. 
I normally look up to sensible 'religious' people, and I saw her as someone quite pious. She still is, but still hasn't explored her own religion and I cant look up to people like that. 

Most muslims still don't know the religion. Blind following consumes the entire community and now we look stupid on a global scale. 
I wouldn't even say I know it fully, because it's so vast, but I think I have the controversial stuff covered so I don't need to react so defensively when someone criticises a belief. 
Another thing: why can't people agree to disagree?

*Rant over*
XD
Phew.

Skin by ShadowJournals
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So I've been away a while. Not as though anyone notices much, but I made a promise to myself to upload more this year and while I (sort of) have - it's still not that much. I recently came across some of my old poems and I was stunned by the difference in technique and wording of them compared to the pieces I currently write. While there is some 'improvement' to the depth of my themes...there's something missing, and I would say it's creativity. My poems are much shorter these days - and there's nothing wrong with that - except for the reason why they're so short. They're short because I ran out of 'stuff' to say, or more precisely, I ran out of words on 'how' to say it. I just can't conjure up the words as smoothly as I once did. You know that figure of speech; 'it's on the tip of my tongue', well, it most definitely is. What's the difference between then and now? University.
The pursuit of a degree in Pharmacy.
Ah, Pharmacy. 
I chose it because I love the idea of having many career options stemming from one degree. It's continuously changing, and I intend to evolve too. It's stable, and I need stability because I know I will be my only source of it. 
I do love science. So that is not the problem. 
The problem is rigidity. Everything is very much black and white. The lecturers don't like to admit that there are questions that scientists can't answer. Guess what? That methotrexate your grandparent takes for rheumatoid arthritis? The mechanism of action 'is not well known'. Upon questioning, 'not well known' meant 'unknown'. Now, this might not always be the case but in this instance I found it to be mind blowing. We don't know how it works, but it works, so lets just use it eh? But then someone uses St johns wort for its mood uplifting properties: 'oh, it must be a placebo because herbs don't work.' hm. Ironically, many of our drugs are derived from plants. So they must be helpful in some way. This rigidity is probably just an issue on my course though because I only realised it during a meeting last week whereby the senior teaching fellows (after begging students to turn up) essentially pitched a whole new degree course for future students, and then asked current students' opinion of it. To sum things up; the new course sounds a LOT better than what we're doing now.
Currently we are taught how to follow the law strictly. We don't use our critical thinking skills.
I was given this scenario:

A patient comes in with a prescription for a controlled drug that is being given to him for pain in palliative care. He explains he has a flight this afternoon for one last holiday with his family before he dies. You know this patient well and you know the prescriber well. But the prescription has a legal error on it. 
Do you dispense the item? 
I wanted to say YES. My justification would have been that I knew the prescriber so could have contacted them later. I knew there was no substance misuse because the patient regularly comes in with this same prescription and its in his drug history along with the indication. This patient doesn't have long to live so in the best interest of the patient, I would dispense the medication.
In a pharmacy dispensing exam? I would have failed the exercise. Why? because the prescription had a legal error on it.
Context is key! but they don't care about that. Thing is, pharmacists have to bend rules for the interest of the patient. 
I would have ruined this mans last holiday if I didn't give him pain medication. 
When I asked about what the 'correct' answer was, the teaching fellow said the same thing as me. Why are they churning us out to be so robotic then? Pharmacy is too complex for such rigid thinking.

So that's been playing on my mind. 
I have Monday to Friday lectures and after lectures I rest a bit before heading to the library at around 5pm, I come back at 10pm to pray, and sleep, then I do it all over again. 
I eat out almost daily because my flatmates make so much mess in the kitchen, I can't bear to be in it.
Everything lately has been making me grind my teeth. I'm always so wound up and tense, but I have been reading more and have even come up with a new story idea based on some daydreams. :3 
I just find it insanely difficult to balance the two sides of my brain. One of them has clearly taken over.
I cant tell if this degree is making me more or less intelligent o.O
My grades are good, but it's not about the grades. 

Oh, and also. Religion. Rigidity in religion...
While I cover my hair and dress modestly, pray daily, try and give to charity, etc,  I still listen to music. There are many examples but I'll stick to music. I had a debate with a more 'conservative' muslim woman my age. If you look at both of us the only difference you'd see (apart from skin colour) is the way we dress. She's in all black and maybe sometimes a coloured scarf. 
I think God gave us colour for a reason, so I make use of colour. That doesn't mean i'm not modest, it means I see things differently. 
Theres a 'rule' that says something like music is from the devil or that its not allowed. 
There's 2 ways to interpret it. 
1. fully banned no matter what it is. I have actually heard people fuss over ring tones *eye roll*
2. depends on context. Muslims believe that when music was first revealed it seduced people into dancing and eventually adultery. I get it. heat of the moment right? compare it to todays music about sex, money and treating people like commodities. The general idea of this opinion is, if it makes you wanna do bad things, it's bad. Or if it makes you addicted to it, it's bad. 
I like instrumental music. I am not addicted, it doesn't cause me to miss anything obligatory. So what's the issue? this opinion was valid for hundreds of years but now its no longer relevant.

Do people even know the reason behind some of our rules?  
The past 100 years of 'revamping' religion has actually caused people to become brain dead. No you cannot open a legal text and interpret it OUT OF CONTEXT.
and a language like classic Arabic? Hah. Without studying morphology? HAH.
She mentioned a speaker she listened to and I decided the debate was no longer worth wasting energy on. 

The third girl however, asked for another debate the next day XD
Obviously we're all on amicable terms, but it did open my mind. 
I normally look up to sensible 'religious' people, and I saw her as someone quite pious. She still is, but still hasn't explored her own religion and I cant look up to people like that. 

Most muslims still don't know the religion. Blind following consumes the entire community and now we look stupid on a global scale. 
I wouldn't even say I know it fully, because it's so vast, but I think I have the controversial stuff covered so I don't need to react so defensively when someone criticises a belief. 
Another thing: why can't people agree to disagree?

*Rant over*
XD
Phew.

Skin by ShadowJournals
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Before I moved away to attend university, I was used to being woken up (especially on the weekends, when I didn't set an alarm) by the song of a particular species of bird (which I've never actually managed to spot). They would also sing in the evening, but it was a slightly different song. Over the years, my mind associated the songs of this species to be a signal to wake up (morning) or relax (evening). The morning song was - on a Sunday - accompanied by a lovely church bell rung by someone from the local church which was a 5 minute walk from my house. 
Since moving onto campus, I thought I didn't quite miss those signals. However, outside my window are a few lovely trees. There is a single bird living somewhere among them with exactly the same song as I'm used to hearing...except this bird sings at night. It sings and there's never a reply from another bird of the same species :(      (Reminds me of my attempts to make friends)
It's turning into a nightmare for my sleep cycle because it's winter and the UK only gets around 7 hours of sunlight, and on top of that, this bird wakes me up in the middle of the night because my brain interprets it as a signal to wake up. I aim to sleep relatively early (midnight for me, I'm afraid - or 10pm the earliest) so that I may wake up at sunrise and make the most of the amount of sun available (or I'll suffer from a low mood later).
This bird isn't particularly noisy either but sometimes I have my window cracked open because student buildings have terrible ventilation and my flatmates occasionally smoke in the flat, but also because if I don't have a well ventilated room, my plants will become infested (I'm already fighting off powdery mildew on my miniature rose plant).  
This bird sings between 1am and 3am. 
It's 1am now and im exhausted but I cant sleep!!!! The lavender oil in my diffuser isn't doing much. *sighs* 

I was thinking of buying bird seed but I don't think I'm allowed to feed them XD
*Rant over* 
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