I haven't been around a lot lately because of other priorities and it seems as though when I do, its negative! that's really terrible, so I'll tell you the truth. I have been away because of intense studying that didn't give me the time to create anything, and when I did, my creations were private...for someone special. I fell so hard for him and in the process I weakened both of us. Maybe he'd say it's all in the past and that it doesn't matter but to me...it lingers. It's a mix of pain and hope, hope because I think we can start over, because we're more mature, because we know each other really well now and we know each other's faults/strengths, but pain because I turned him into someone broken, with no ability to decide or take risks anymore. in the beginning I was the cynic, I was the one that was critical, I was insecure...and he never gave up on me. He made me feel confident and loved, he was so strong and so hopeful... it makes me cry every time I think about how that's changed, and that's my fault....that's the damage I did! It's been almost 2 wonderful years, even though the past few months I hit depression because of medicine I was taking, I had so much anxiety, he was the only one I ranted to, opened up to... but he had his own problems and I was too caught up in mine to even realise. I didn't expect him to fix me, but I didn't expect to break him...now all I want is to be able to be near him (we're in different cities) and hold his face in my hands, tell him how sorry I am, how I promise I'll be stronger, how I'm getting better, how i'll try my best to fix everything even if it means he doesn't love me anymore. He came into my life and saw all my flaws and ignored them and still thought I was beautiful, he taught me how to love myself, how to be patient and thankful....but mainly, how to love. Without his faith in me I don't feel like I can go anywhere... when we talk I tell him I'm fine because I don't want him to feel bad. He lives alone, he doesn't mingle with friends...and I don't have their contact details...I just wish I could know how he really is doing, because I don't know, although I do know he wouldn't tell me if he's struggling...probably because he'd not want me to feel bad.
It's my fault I rushed into telling him that we needed to go on a break, because for him it sounded like 'break up'. I should have chosen my words carefully, maybe met with him in person so i'd be able to elaborate instead of texting him...now the way he talks is so different to before...no nicknames, no emojis, he's closed himself up and I don't want to force those walls down because he's protecting himself. I should have figured stuff out in my own head before saying anything to him...maybe we wouldn't even be in this situation. He didn't want me to call or skype either to explain things...and I don't blame him.
we both believe in God, and fate...and that ultimately, if we're meant to be...then we will find a way back to each other.
In the mean time, I don't think I can recover....but because he's everything to me I'll be there for him.
or maybe I should just leave him alone, and vanish so he can move on
he doesn't deserve a burden like me...
A small part of me wishes he'd never met me...he'd still be the same happy go lucky guy that believes in love